Prelude 1
- Jun 20, 2016
- 4 min read
Although I don't like to dwell on the past, I want my blog readers to know what I went through this past year to get me to the point where I'm at today. There's a reason behind who I am today and I want to share that reason in order to help others find happiness just as I did. I wanted this "series" of posts to be as raw and "uncut" as possible so I've decided to delve into my diary / journal and the notes app on my phone to provide insight into these moments.
Overall, the whole entire point of this series is to show you the steps that I took to make myself the happiest I could possibly be. My hopes are that no matter what you take away from all of this, you use it to help better yourself and other around you.
With all this being said, we'll have to start at the beginning (obviously).
23 February 2015
(I was entering senior spring and I hadn't chosen my college yet, this was the start of my minor mental breakdown)
"I've been wanting to write for a while now. I feel like I should be keeping track of my life. I'm going through a lot and my life is changing so fast and I'm growing up and I'm terrified."
"Now that I'm working at Bears (Bear's Smokehouse is so so amazing) and starting to get into college, life is getting real. I'm really starting to realize I'm growing up. I have 6 more months before I go to college and I'm scared shitless. I just want to spend the next 6 months loving, living & laughing with friends and family."
The rest of this entry (and the next two) consist of writing about Brian (My ex boyfriend), I would include it but I want to save a whole blog post for that situation.
I then apparently decided to go rouge all summer and not write anything until...
17 October 2015
(I've been in college for two months)
"I love it here [Roger Williams]. It's only been 2 months so much has happened and life seems to be going at 1000 miles an house and I'm trying to make it slow down, but that's obviously an impossible task. My life is so different than I pictured it would be. I'm suffering from pretty bad anxiety I think, I don't know I just find myself overthinking & worrying about everything. I would go see a counselor or ask to be put on meds but I don't know it makes me nervous ironically. Field hockey has been pretty rough this year. It started out great, but the team is really two-faced."
"I'm really homesick right now too. The fall makes it really hard because I miss the farm. I just want life to slow down, I don't want these moments to pass. I feel like going to college has completely ended my childhood. I've been home once in 2 months and in the next few years, I won't be living at home anymore and that makes me so sad. A few things I've learned at college so far is that life can change at the drop of a hat. There are no promises that something will be there tomorrow. Never assume or expect anything. Accept the changes that are happening."
This entry always makes me laugh because one of the first things that I write is that I love it, yet the rest of the entry is me being sad about school, home and other stuff. During this time I was dealing with a psychotic roommate (not u Kayla, ur awesome), boy issues, field hockey issues and getting adjusted to college (still). My anxiety was a whole new level which I didn't realize until about then. I laugh at how much I tried to convince myself that Roger was the place for me and it just wasn't working. I will never forget going home a few days after this was written. When I got home I sat and cried on my bedroom floor because I was so happy to be home and away from that place. After that moment, I knew I had to leave Roger after freshman year.
Once again I go MIA until...
12 December 2015
"My first semester of college is already over. So much has changed in the past few months. I would have never pictured my life to be how it is now. Next semester I'm switching rooms and next year I'll be off to Colorado for school. There is nothing for me here at Roger Williams. I need to go adventure to see and learn new things. I want to learn from myself by being in a different environment. I need to go get what I deserve from this life. A place like Roger Williams is how people get stuck here. I need to find a place to breathe and find myself. I don't regret choosing to go to Roger. I've learned so much. But I refuse to let myself settle on this place. I can't wait anymore for the things that make me unhappy to change themselves. My happiness is my number one priority. I am still young and there is so much out there for me. The possibilities are endless."
13 December 2015
"Goals for 2016:
Stop the doubts and stop the fears
Let go of it all
Don't let the darkness of your mind get the best of you
If you want it, get it.
Don't let anyone take your happiness and your freedom away from you
Never forget that you deserve good things
It's okay to feel what you're feeling"
Once my first semester was over, I began picking up the pieces. I made the decision that I would finish out the year at Roger, but after that I had to leave.
As I said in the entry, I don't regret choosing to go to Roger. At the time that I applied for college and decided where I was going to go, I was a completely different person. I learned sp much at Roger and I honestly never ever truly hated it. By the end, I found a way to love it. I want to thank everyone (Especially the residents of Almeida 412 and Willow 23) I met there for teaching me something about myself and about life. I made amazing memories and met really dope people I hope to see again. I will hold it all reaaaallllly close to my heart. It's just time for me to go.
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