Okay Alright I'm Alive

Hey guys!

So I'm currently writing from Saint Cloud, Minnesota. I'm out here for thanksgiving break and I GET TO SEE MY MOM IN TWO DAYS!!!

Even though I'm here, I'm still wondering what the fuck is in Minnesota.

It's cold as hell and I got locked out of the house this morning, it's fine.

I'm so happy to finally get a chance to hang out and relax and not have to worry about school or work for a while.

I've been crazy busy and stressed especially because the funds in my bank account are quite low.

I've been finding myself being really negative lately, especially about myself.

Insecurity has somehow crawled back .

My insecurity makes me feel so heavy at times that it feels as though my chest is about to collapse

and goddammit it is so hard to breathe.

"Everything seems so exhausting to me. No matter how much sleep or how much coffee I drink or how long I lie down, something inside me seems to have given up. My soul is tired."

I'm hoping that this week away from school and work will take this weight off of me

I need to refresh and find myself again. I need to find my confidence.

In order to do that I know I need to look inside myself.

If you search for confidence outside of yourself and look to others to boost your self esteem, I can promise you that at the end of the day you will feel even more empty than before.

I will find myself again.

I have complete faith in this process.

What I'm feeling now is okay. It is okay to feel sad, tired and lonely.

But I can't stay here forever. I have to pick myself back up.

Look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself you're beautiful

As weird as it might seem at first, I promise one day you might actually believe yourself.

I think the reason this insecurity has come back is because I've been so caught up in material things.

I've been working two jobs just to try to pay my bills and put food on the table. I've been so wound up in money. It's been the only thing on my mind recently. I have to do everything myself. I don't get help from my parents like other people do.

I'm on my own and I'm such an adult now.

Being an adult has it's perks yet at the end of the day I find myself worrying.

I worry the most when I look at the big picture and think of everything all at once.

I always try to remind myself that I live in Colorado, the most beautiful place I've ever been.

I've made it this far, I can do this.

I will always find a way to do what I need to do.

I just have to remind myself to take everything day by day.

It's okay, It's alright, I'm alive.

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I'm sorry this post hasn't been the most positive.

But I just want you to see that although I may seem really happy a lot of the time, I struggle to find happiness at times.

Without knowing sadness, I won't know what happiness is.

Thanks for listening,

I'll be back soon

Pce, Luv n Aidan's Cat

Alex