Sometimes I forget

Sometime I forget I can do whatever I want.

It's been a while since I've written.

Almost four months to be exact and I've fallen back into almost the same place I was before my last blog post.

What is so amazing about having this blog is that every time I fall down, I use this as something to ground myself and pick myself back up.

I'm in kind of an awkward phase currently.

I've lived in Boulder for around eight months now. Things don't feel new anymore but I haven't even been here a year so things are still new. I don't have a concrete group of friends which has left me feeling quite lonely at times. I beat myself up over the fact that friends are far and few between. Yet, what I find interesting is that I've never really had a concrete group of friends, just close ones here and there. I have always been independent, I'll survive.

Another thing that I have realized over the past few months is that I've lost myself.

Ok, "lost" is a bad word to use.

It's more like, I need to relearn myself.

Coming here, I knew myself. I was confident. I was sturdy.

Yet little did I know that moving to a new place would change everything. (OK YA I PROBABLY SHOULD'VE KNOWN OR AT LEAST ASSUMED). Despite all the sadness I feel and despite how lost I feel. This is an amazing thing.

I get to relearn myself, keep growing, and continue to learn about myself. It's a beautiful, long, difficult thing to do, but the reward makes all that worth it. So ya, I am lost, really fucking lost, but who isn't at nineteen.

People always told me nineteen is "weird" and "difficult" and BOIIIIIII they're right. Nineteen has been such a transformative time, at least for me. Quite often I have to remind myself that I'm only nineteen. I'm still fairly young.

Today a man that was sitting at the bar of the restaurant I work at and said to me, "Don't leave Neverland." He's right. I've been working so hard since I've moved here. Going out is somewhat of a rarity due to my busy schedule and I constantly find myself worrying way too much about doing adult things, like paying the bills. Granted, yes I have to pay the bills, but I'm stressing to the point where I'm missing the most beautiful, free, exciting parts of my life because I'm too busy trying to grow up.

The whole point is to remind myself, "You've got time."

Sometimes I forget that I can do whatever I want.

I have my whole life ahead of me, I can do whatever I set my mind too and nothing will hold me back. Sometimes I forget the power and control I have over my own life. Nothing in this life is set, except death.

Decisions are rarely a mistake, either you luck out or you grow.

I have to remind myself of what I told you many months ago.

If you want something, go for it. The only thing holding you back is you.

I am still broke as hell, struggling on. But I made the decision to leave the east coast with practically nothing. Although I am still struggling today, I have done so many amazing things and met so amazing people. Without moving, I would have never been able to lose myself. I would still be the same me and what's the point of anything if you don't grow.

So here's to relearning myself. Here's to growth.

Be back soon,

peace n love

Alex Connor