Prelude 2

Prelude 1 won't be the only mention of Roger Williams. My first of year of college turned my life inside out, upside down and changed it in ways I never thought were possible. I loved every second of it.

Regardless,

Shortly after the final diary entry in Prelude 1, December 13, 2016 I went on winter break where I started truly addressing the issues of first semester. I was fed up, exhausted and really really f***ing sad.

So here we are,

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December 17, 2015

"Today I officially got diagnosed with anxiety, OCD and depression (they're all products of each other). I don't quite know what to think yet. In a way I've kinda known I've had anxiety all along, but it's still weird to think about. Knowing that I feel like I need to change who I think I am. All those times, I though it was just who I was. But maybe now I can truly see who I am without those diseases in the way. Either way, I hope I start to feel better."

Being diagnosed with these things and having to start taking medication altered my view of a lot of things. I felt that I didn't know who I was anymore. I always thought that being nervous about little things was just part of who I am. I was also really skeptical about medication and how that would effect my mindset. Although this point in my life was scary, confusing and disorienting, it was another step towards happiness. Soon after I discovered that who I am and what my disease is, are two very separate things and I will not be defined by my disease. I'm still the same "Alex" I've always been, just slightly less all over the place. I don't have very severe anxiety, but it is enough to affect my life in a negative way. The medication that I take is the lowest working dose and doesn't alter my mind in any way. My medication helps me take the edge off and focus a lot better at the tasks at hand. Even though I take medication, my anxiety isn't "cured". I still have things to work on, but who doesn't.

Shortly after this entry, I write two more about ex-boyfriend Brian (December 20), then one January 6th about Christmas. Christmas 2k15 was one of the best I've had in a long time. Being surrounded by family was another boost I needed toward happiness.

The next entry was the morning I left for my visit out to Colorado

It was just random thoughts I happened to write down.

"This life is so beautiful. There are endless possibilities. You can do and be anything you want. Life is so insignificant but in a freeing type of way. Do what makes you happy. Stop caring about what people say / think. This is your life. You don't owe anyone an explanation. Go do things and don't look back with any regret. Do thing that scare you. Never stop your desire to learn about life and learn about yourself. At the end of your life you don't want to see that you spent your life on a journey to please others and you didn't even please yourself. Every day holds a new adventure filled with endless possibilities. Go get it. Stop waiting for a good life.

Love is enough.

You are enough."

I know that all of this sounds cheesy, but this entry is the best advice I can give anyone ever.

10 January 2016

"I am so in love with this place. Yesterday we visited CSU then me and Sue (my mom) drove through the Rockies. HOLY SHIT this is the most beautiful and peaceful place I have ever been. I am so in love. The beauty is endless, I don't think I could ever get tired of it. I'm already happier than I usually am at home. There is so much opportunity here for me."

I fell in love with Colorado, HARD.

19 January 2016

"I head back to Roger today and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm kind of excited, definitely anxious, and also dreading this. I can't decide whether I should go back, shut everyone out and just do my thing OR really try to embrace everything and start over. Regardless, my goal is to make myself happy first and do what I feel like doing. I want to be free. Hopefully my medication will help all the negativity I had last semester and not let it creep into this one. I want to stop being so nervous and scared about stupid stuff. I want to loosen up and let go."

20 January 2016

"Today was the first day of classes and it actually went surprisingly well. I am actually really happy. This semester is already so different and I love it. I have a completely different mind set. I am here to do well in school and be the happiest I can be. I want to make memories this semester."

6 February 2016

"Life has been amazing lately. Everything has been going smoothly. I've just been chilling, smoking and meeting new people. I do what I feel like doing and just go with the flow. I am so much happier. I've been letting things go and just being myself and it's seriously working. Doing what makes me happy has brought me the best memories. These are the best days of my life."

7 February 2016

"I like the idea that it's me again the world. It makes life a little more edgy and exciting. It makes me want to set out and prove something. Prove that no matter what gets thrown at me, I'm gonna make it through and I'm gonna be happy no matter what. I can't sell myself short. 'Don't let yesterday touch you'."

8 February 2016

"I've been kind of low the past few days and my anxiety has been through the roof. I think it's because stress from college transfer applications and schoolwork. I'm really tired of everything. Where are the people that are like me? Why can't I find any genuine people. Ryan and his roommates (s/o to Almeida 412) are the only ones. Why don't people like me? I don't get it. I'm a walking paradox. I want to be alone, yet I'm really fucking lonely."

Coming back from winter break, a lot of people still didn't like me. A lot of people were extremely judgmental of the way I decided to carry out my life and it was really frustrating. I wasn't trying to please anyone, but it still would have been nice for people to actually get to know me and understand me. That's where Ryan and his roommates came in. I owe a lot to Ryan but I'll save a whole post to talk about him.

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Overall, this time in my life was the heart of my transformation. After dealing with so much sadness, I had to really dig deep, find the issues and examine them. I had to decide where I wanted to go and how to get there. To this day, I'm still not where I want to be, but I still have come so far.

Thank you for taking the time to read through prelude 2!

If you have any questions or want to hear more about something, head to my CONTACT page!

Peace out

Love,

Alex